Separated at birth, go forth and multiply

Hey, what about Batman and Michael Vaughan, former England cricket captain. Never seen in the same room together.


Search Amazon.com for Batman

The coalition sofa

Nick Clegg, the deputy prime minister, is about to have a difficult evening. Half-Dutch, his wife Miriam is Spanish, so the World Cup final between the Netherlands and Spain will split the family allegiances.

On the other hand, at least the family will be partially happy whoever wins.

And at least the vuvuzelas can be put in the loft ... until they get banned from Premier League grounds.


Search Amazon.com for soccer fans

In an octopus's Berchtesgaden

Tea leaves, I Ching, fortune cookies and spurious past history can all lay claim to predicting World Cup football results.

Paul the octopus can now be added to the list. The newly discovered global star at the Sea Life Aquarium in Oberhausen, Germany has been predicting results at the World Cup, with startling accuracy. Given the choice between mussels in transparent boxes adorned with the flags of countries the playing a match, Paul's predictions are taken as the first box he opens to reach his snack.

Oblivious to all the attention, Paul's success in predicting Germany's results (including losses to Serbia and Spain) has had two outcomes: death threats (from Argentines and, latterly, Germans); and increased soothsaying influence. Punters are placing bets with bookmakers based on Paul's preferences to such a degree that it's skewing the market.

For Paul's own safety, there is a news blackout on his predictions for the final between the Netherlands and Spain: one country or the another is going to blame the octopus, however irrational the thought. CCTV cameras may have to be installed.

Actually, though, with 50:50 odds, Paul's guess is as good as anyone's


Search Amazon.com for octopus

Life's a drag race

Drug research needs success stories. The recovery of Kaz Aston from the symptoms of multiple sclerosis is a case in point.

Diagnosed in 1995, she was given the drug Tysabri and, recovery in hand, has taken up drag racing to publicise the cause. And to take on new risks to her health.

Biogen Idec Inc., Elan and the MS Trust will be glad of the good publicity and the likely increase in prescription rate of the life-restoring drug.


Search Amazon.com for multiple sclerosis

Auf Weidersehen, England

The Germans won again at the World Cup footie, but this time England weren't even good enough to merit going out on penalties. Where do they go from here? Here are some suggestions:

• Renegotiate the number of English-qualified players turning out for Premier League sides;
• Invite Stuart Pearce to be the England manager as he got the Under-21 side to the final of the European Championships;
• Thank 'thank very much' to a bunch of aging England football players (Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Matthew Upson, John Terry, David James, Emile Heskey)
• Select the nucleus of the new England team from the Under-21 side;
• Build a team around Wayne Rooney, but allow everyone in the team to play in their best positions.

Will this happen? Probably not. But if Fabio Capello continues, he will have to adapt and learn from his mistakes. Perhaps Stuart Pearce will get more of a say within the current regime.

Now for the European qualifiers.

Search Amazon.com for Germany

England expected

For those of us working this afternoon, the experience was like operating in a ghost town. No phone calls, no faxes, no emails, and the occasional afternoon roar, specifically when Jermaine Defoe scored for England against Slovenia after twenty minutes.

The pubs were jammed packed with people spilling out on to the pavements. The shops were tuned to the television. The offices were empty.

Several people at my office took the day off, including staff with no interest in football. It will be interesting to see the cost to the British economy of this national, collective skive.

Perhaps the only people not to know the score in real time were the combatants John Isner and Nicolas Mahut in a record-breaking men's singles tie at Wimbledon: five sets, ten hours long and counting with the fifth set lasting around seven hours standing at 59 games all overnight ...


Search Amazon.com for ghost town

Budget: blue is the colour

When even the Queen is subject to a pay freeze as the Government applies the budget tourniquet, what could possibly be the antidote to the fiscal gloom?

What can provide relief from job worries, benefit blows, tax torment and service cuts? And World Cup torment to boot?

Football bloopers ...


Search Amazon.com for budget

Solent sympathy

When does criticism of a business leader go too far? When the mob sense blood but go for the wrong target.

Tony Hayward, BP CEO, was photographed on his yacht at Cowes on the Isle of Wight taking part in the Round the Island race with his sons.

Yes, he was taking time off. Yes, he was enjoying himself. But surely he'll be all the more refreshed for taking time out before going back to the Deepwater Horizon catastrophe.

And, anyway, Mr Hayward has delegated day-to-day responsibility for the disaster to an American called Robert Dudley, so maybe the US public may react differently to having a fellow countryman in charge of sorting out the mess.


Search Amazon.com for sailing

Heroes on a shirt

There's nothing like an official song to rally the troops: players and fans, alike. Yet for this World Cup, England have nothing like an official song, for the first time since 1966.

Yes, there are musical efforts worthy of Eurovision from the likes of:

• Lightning Seeds-lite, 'Sing your hearts out' by Electric Skies;
• The English Parliament online chart-topper, 'This my dear is England' by a fat tommy in shades representing England fans;
• Pop star African tie-in, 'Waka waka' by Shakira;
• Jumping on the bandwagon, 'For the love of the game' by the Rezza Brothers;
• Even FIFA itself, with K'naan's official anthem.

There are even songs geared to geeing up sportmen in other competitions:

• Martyn Joseph's 'On a Celtic morning' to spur on the 2010 Ryder Cup campaign in Wales;
• Phil Tufnell and the Wooden Urns 'unforgettable' Ian Dury-meets-'Vindaloo' screech backing the 2009 Ashes campaign;
• Rugby Union boasts many perennial songs: 'Cwm Rhondda' and 'Sosban fach' for the Welsh; 'Jerusalem' and 'Swing low, sweet chariot' for the English; 'Molly Malone' for the Irish; and 'Flower of Scotland' for the Scots;
• And theme tunes are instantly recognisable: snooker; darts; Formula 1; cricket; tennis; boxing; etc.

So, it'll be back to the Germans stealing former English anthems at the World Cup, while we get stuffed in the quarter-finals (again).


Search Amazon.com for anthems

Anglo-Saxon attitudes

More news on the profanity front (see Wither the watershed?)

The Brazilian officials for England's forthcoming World Cup game against the USA have been swotting up on twenty English-language swear words so they can understand the invective that will be coming their way.

What's the betting an Englishman or two will be booked (at least) for sharing their opinions on Saturday lunchtime? Not very long odds, I fear.

But at least Mary Whitehouse can thank FIFA's alleged initiative for slowing down her tomb revolutions.

No thanks to David Mellor, former Tory Cabinet minister and soccer pundit, whose recent fruity ranting is another kettle of fish entirely ...


Search Amazon.com for referees

The publicist behind the footballer

An interesting spin on Paul Scholes' decision to turn down Fabio Capello's invitation to resume his midfield England career, six years after his international retirement to concentrate on Manchester United, his family and his telly.

Apparently he would have accepted the call he had been given more time to consider the offer: i.e an opportunity to play in the World Cup qualifying competition. Mr Scholes says he would not have wished to take the place of a player who had been involved with the team over the previous two years.

Methinks I detect the voice of a skilled publicist, spinning a positive line on a decision Paul Scholes was always going to make.


Search Amazon.com for Manchester United

Grandad hands back marathon medal

Organisers of the London Marathon took a double take when ">checking the electronic tags of 69-year-old Anthony Gaskell. He ran the first 12.5 miles in about two hours, but apparently finished the rest of the course in just over an hour: a pace that would have smashed the world record.

In fact, he had pulled out of the race injured and skipped a loop in the course of 10 miles, making for the finishing line to retrieve his clothes. He didn't even stop to think he'd won.

Belatedly, he was disqualified.

Red faces all round, and not from the exertion of running (especially in fancy dress).


Search Amazon.com for marathon

Olympic dash to trash mascots

The case for the prosecution: the internet art-hackers have already struck.

The case for the defence: previous Games avatars have had an airing.

The rush to lampoon Wenlock and Mandeville is no bad thing: the mascots have struck a chord, and will presumably any time soon be guest-appearance in a new episode of The Simpsons.


Search Amazon.com for Olympics

Wedlock and Mandible

The new London 2012 Olympic mascots are a bit of a tongue-twister and have the look and feel of a children's focus group. Say hello to Wenlock and Mandeville, for the Olympics and Paralympics respectively: cuddly, one-eyed steel-girder off-cuts from the Stadium.

The reaction, from adults, will be harsh initially, who will hark back with nostalgia to unreconstructed furry icons like World Cup Willie.

The children, however, should love them, especially with the four-minute Michael Morpurgo scripted animation. The mascots are inked in to earn £70 million from merchandising, and websites like Facebook and Twitter will be bombarded with interactive opportunities to engage with the dynamic duo.

Give it a few weeks and everyone will have come round to the concept. Two years to go, though, so Wenlock and Mandeville will have their work cut out to stay relevant to the news agenda.


Search Amazon.com for Olympic mascots

England are the new Australia

A moment has arrived when an English sports team defied its stereotype to actually play like world-beaters, looking strangely like Australians.

The English men's cricket team has actually won a world cup by consistently playing better than the opposition.

No one is suggesting Paul Collingwood is the new Bobby Moore or Martin Johnson, but winning the World Twenty20 competition in the Caribbean is likely to scoop the team award at the BBC's Sports Personality of the Year award ... unless another English team defy the odds to win a different World Cup in a few weeks' time.

But the likelihood is that the English disease will reappear, and we'll go out on penalties well before the final.

MBEs all round for the cricketers, then, except that many of them already have the gong for winning the Ashes in 2005.

It's all a far cry from England's efforts in South Africa in 2007, particularly against India's Yuvraj Singh ...


Search Amazon.com for Twenty20 cricket

A nation holds its breath

Meanwhile, away from the election, Wayne Rooney's groin injury is not a problem. He will be available for the World Cup.

A nation breathes a sigh of relief, and places unrealistic expectations back on the heads of the England football players.

'We're going to reach the quarter finals' may not be a rallying cry, but anything more concrete is wishful thinking because sport, by it's very nature, is unpredictable.


Search Amazon.com for Wayne Rooney

The Premiership result

The football result was decisive, with Chelsea beating Wigan Athletic 8-0 to waltz off with the title ...

So far, well into the second half, the Cameron County versus Clegg City fixture is still goalless, with extra time looming. The markets have the final whistle, and they may impose a penalty shoot-out.

Who'll end up with the PM trophy? Will they toss a coin? And will the fans be buying their season tickets for the next general election, which may turn out to be sooner than everyone hopes.


Search Amazon.com for Premier league

Tactical vocalising

What a lot of noise. The end of the campaign is a confusing cacophony of shouting about the perils of voting for the other, whether a party or a hung parliament.

Will Gordon go for a 4-4-2, will David stick with a lone striker up front, and will Nick try playing in the hole. Only PollZone on Thursday will show us how the tactics have worked.

It's still all about marginal seats, getting the vote out and waiting for David Dimbleby et al to announce the exit poll results. Then the wall of sound will start up again.


Search Amazon.com for tactics

In off the black; snooker bribery claim

John Higgins, the former World Snooker champion, has been suckered by an elaborate News of the World sting to throw some frames at a tournament later in the year and has been suspended from the circuit.

Great excuse, though. He thought he was in a meeting with the Russian mafia and 'agreed to their proposals' simply to get out of the situation 'alive'.

It remains to be seen if the enquiry into the sting justifies his behaviour. The problem is that smears of this sort are hard to expunge. When an allegation is made but then followed by a correction, research shows that people who believe the original charge will be even more convinced by the subsequent rebuttal on the grounds that there is no smoke without fire.

If Mr Higgins is telling the truth, he will have to sue the News of the World and lobby the Press Complaints Commission into muzzling the tabloid's so-called 'investigative journalists'.


Search Amazon.com for investigative journalism

Late flowering of talent

The defeat of reigning champion John Higgins by Steve Davis at the world snooker is one of the most 'interesting' wins of his career.

After winning six world titles before 1989, Steve Davis has done practically nothing in the sport since, while expanding his horizons into chess, poker and television commentary on snooker.

Some people, like volcanoes, can have their talent lay dormant for years until some unexplained moment when their skill and experience erupt into a new event.

As with Mr Davis, Brian Close played for England at cricket in 1949, the youngest to do so, and was still facing the bowling in 1976 against the then might of the West Indies.

Diana Athill wrote a novel and a collection of short stories in the 1960s, while working as an editor at André Deutsch, but her true flowering as an author of note only came with a autobiography called Stet written well into her 80s. She is still writing, even as she moves into a care home.

Mary Wesley famously churned out unpublished novels up until her 70th year when finally her public career was launched with a bestseller. Thereafter she wrote a novel a year to huge readerships for the next two decades.

Igor Stravinsky met Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky as a youngster, composed The Firebird at 28 in 1910, and carried on creating until completing his Requiem Canticles in 1966, at the age of 85.

Pablo Picasso kept painting through his various periods from the beginning of his career as a young cubist until the end of his long life in 1973.

What keep the critics occupied is comparing talented people against their own skill at various points in their lives. The greatest geniuses may be those people who expertise is equally celebrated at all points of the lives.


Search Amazon.com for genius