Illnesses of convenience

Hmm. It seems that far from being on death's door, the man jailed for the Lockerbie bombing, Abdelbaset Al-Megrahi, has now been told he has made than ten years to live. What a surprise.

Almost as much a coincidence as jailed Guinness fraudster Ernest Saunders miraculous recovery from Alzheimer's disease and Great-train-robber Ronnie Biggs continued respite in a Barnet old people's home.

And we're not talking about untold trips to Lourdes.

The common denominators? Money, infleunce, and politics.


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The short arm of the law

Mark Thomas, the comedian and activist, has been awarded £1200 compensation and an apology for being searched unlawfully by the Metropolitan Police. Why?

Because having an 'over-confident attitude' after delivering a speech does not constitute sufficient reason to be manhandled.

Expect this incident to feature strongly in Mr Thomas's next tour; already he is saying the Met have sponsored the shows.


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We're all in this together: too right we are

Invitation to join the Government of Britain, eh?

Shades of Neil Kinnock's roar at Labour's Sheffield rally in 1992? The Conservative party manifesto sounds at first glance a bit triumphalist -- and 118 pages in a hardback format looks a bit reactionary.

Does anyone actually want the extra responsibility of voting in new police officers, sacking incompetent teachers, running schools, or firing the local MP? One top of doing your own job? The only people with the time or inclination to do this will be rich socialites with right-wing agendas. And who decides the criteria with which standards can be judged?

It's a dog's breakfast or, misquoting Gerald Kaufman, it might just be the longest political suicide note in history. And the best of it is, the Tories don't yet suspect a thing.


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Cider House of Commons rules

Cider and perry got the brunt of yesterday's Budget hikes, to the tune of 10 per cent. This was ostensibly to crack down on the problem of binge drinking cheap hooch, witness the ability until recently to buy a pint of cider for 26p in Sainsbury's supermarket.

So what's a poor boozehound to do, now that so many alcohol options are being taxed to the hilt?

Like the recent mephedrone problem in drug culture, where legitimate substances (in this case plant fertiliser) are being abused for cheap yet self-destructive highs, perhaps hard-core drinkers may be tempted to try cheap underground sources of alcohol without the benefits of quality control? Or maybe try to brew moonshine at home? And cheap supermarket loss leaders are not going to disappear overnight, as the British obsession with alcohol is deeply ingrained.

The next phase will be to print warnings on labels, as with cigarette packets, and warn drinkers of the long-term health dangers of over-indulging. While such tactics may be admirable and desirable, the Government earns too much from taxing alcohol to bite the bullet too hard. And too many MPs enjoy a tipple or two, especially in their subsidised bars.

In a few years' time, should social attitudes change, we may see bans on people drinking in public spaces(including outside pubs): the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, made a big play about banning alcohol on the tube. But too many voters enjoy their booze for politicians to get really serious about limiting access to alcohol: accusations of nanny-state policies don't go down well at the ballot box.


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War on tiny terrors

The old Constable Savage sketch on Not the Nine O'Clock News needs updating.

Two children's television presenters, Anna Williamson and Jamie Rickers on the GMTV cartoon vehicle Toonattik, got stopped by police on London's South Bank on the grounds they were 'Dork hunting' in flak jackets and sunglasses while being followed by a film crew. They were armed with spangly hairdryers and kids walkie-talkies.

Police issued the pair with a warning under the Counter-Terrorism Act 2008.

Despite the predictable furore, the twist is that this might have given real terrorists some ideas. What better ruse to disguise yourself as a comedy superhero when in reality you're up to no good in the name of whatever Al-Qaeda cause is their latest rallying point.

Unfortunately, given the level of security Britain now faces, seemingly facile stories like this will continue to emerge. But, even so, you still couldn't make it up.